theres always something to believe in

I don't think that any parent would disagree that losing a child is the ultimate loss. Especially a young child who relies on parents for everything in life. I've come to learn in the grief world that the death of one's child is considered a "complicated loss". All losses are painful. We will all lose grandparents and parents and when we do it will bring deep grief and pain but losing a child shakes up everything we understand about death and the natural order of things. We are supposed to comfort our children in their sadness, sickness and hurts but we are not supposed to comfort them as they die. We are not supposed to take clippings of their hair knowing that soon we'll never run our fingers through it, press their handprints into clay and paint hoping to remember how little they were after they're gone, or hold them close for hours to lock into our memory the softness of their skin and and their sweet smell knowing this will leave our senses after they're gone. We're supposed to plan their birthday parties not their funerals.

Here I am a mother who has experienced all those unthinkable things. At Claire's funeral I
recited a quote I had heard about having kids that goes, "to have a child is to have your heart go walking outside your body". I cried and said that I don't know how I'll live this
life with a piece of my heart missing. I know I'll struggle my entire life missing Claire. The minute each one of my kids came into my life they were imbedded in my heart and soul. Having
one of my children physically not present everyday has crippled me. There is no "healing" in
this life from losing Claire. I know that makes other believers uneasy but I don't make that
statement out of a lack of faith. Just as Claire had to go to Heaven to be healed of cancer I think it will take me going to Heaven to be healed of this grief. To me it's as if a knife
were plunged into my body and can never be pulled out. That wound cannot be healed but I could learn to live with the pain of it. But, knowing God and believing in His promises will be my
comfort in this life and bring me healing in the next.

I don't know who, if anyone will be interested in the ramblings of a grieving mother. This
grief journey is one with no end point. It's not a smooth progression to "better". It seems to be more of an up and down, back and forth ride to "different". My understanding is small but
my faith is big. I am a believer and this is my journey.